Annotation Notes: In the movie HERCULES AND THE LOST KINGDOM, Renee O'Connor plays the role of Deianeira, an orphan who eventually discovers she is the daughter of a king. A clean-shaven Robert Trebor plays Waylin, a slave who follows Hercules and Deianeira as they search for the kingdom of Troy; he is granted his freedom at the end of the movie. Hecules (Kevin Sorbo) appears to have a brotherly affection for Deianeira and rebuffs her romantic advances.

Bard... Princess

by Ella Quince

A VERY FAMILIAR COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

GABRIELLE: What's wrong?

XENA: (listening intently) I hear the sounds of fighting up ahead.

GABRIELLE: Are you sure? We're in the middle of summer reruns.

XENA: There's still one new episode left. I've heard rumors that it's pretty violent, so I'd better ride ahead to check things out. You stay here and defend... (she looks around for a village, but there's none in sight)

GABRIELLE: (bitterly) How about the bushes? They look pretty defenseless today.

XENA: (shrugging) That'll do.

Gabrielle sighs heavily as Xena spurs Argo into a gallop and rides off. But just as she's about to continue her journey alone, Gabrielle spies a faded sign by the side of the road. It's pointing off into the underbrush.

GABRIELLE: (reading) This way to Lost Kingdom...

She peers into the woods and is surprised to see the faint traces of an overgrown path. Her dubious look is replaced by a broad smile.

GABRIELLE: Hah! I don't need Xena to have an adventure. (to the bushes) You're on your own, guys.

CUE panpipe theme from "The Prodigal" as Gabrielle whacks her way to the path with her staff. INTERCUT different angles of her striding back and forth over the same ten-yard stretch, creating the impression of a long journey. FADE OUT music when Gabrielle reaches a fork in the road. While she stands there trying to decide which way to turn, a grizzled Greek peasant comes up behind her.

GREEK PEASANT: (in thick Kiwi accent) You there, stop blocking the road!

GABRIELLE: (whirling around) Sorry! Listen could you tell me the way to the Lost King--

GREEK PEASANT: I don't give directions to tourists. Find your own damn--

He breaks off abruptly and does a double-take at her face. The surly attitude evaporates.

GREEK PEASANT: (tugging forelock in typical medieval English gesture) Forgive me, I meant no disrespect. Bear right and the Lost Kingdom is just over the next hill.

GABRIELLE (puzzled) Thank you.

DISSOLVE TO EXTERIOR PALACE COURTYARD
As Gabrielle walks through the courtyard toward the palace steps, the crowds quickly part to let her pass.

DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR SHOT OF PALACE
Guards bow as Gabrielle walks down a corridor. She's looking more and more puzzled. Distracted, she turns a corner without looking and runs right into someone.

GABRIELLE: (bouncing off Waylin's stomach) Ooof.

WAYLIN: (bowing obsequiesly) A thousand pardons! It was entirely my fault!

GABRIELLE: That's very nice of you, but really, I wasn't watching where I was going. (She peers more closely at the man, trying to catch a glimpse of his face as he continues bobbing up and down) You look very familiar.

WAYLIN: (halting in mid-bob) Of course I look familiar, I'm your minister of defense.

GABRIELLE: My minister of defense?

WAYLIN: Yes, that's what I said... (he eyes her bangs) Bad hair day?

GABRIELLE: Excuse me?

WAYLIN: (eyeing her travel clothes) And don't tell me you've been out looking for Hercules again.

GABRIELLE: What?

WAYLIN: (grabbing her by the elbow and ushering her down the hall) After a day on the road, you could probably use a hot bath and a good nap.

GABRIELLE: Does food come with that?

WAYLIN: (opening a door for her) I'll order a tray of your favorite delicacies.

GABRIELLE: (confused, but grateful) Thank you.

CAMERA TRACKS GABRIELLE AS SHE ENTERS INTERIOR DEIANEIRA'S BEDCHAMBER

GABRIELLE: (awestruck) Wow!

She drifts to the middle of the room and comes to a stop by a large folding screen. She turns in place, admiring the ostentatious splendor, and comes full circle just as Deianeira, wearing a diaphanous white gown, walks out from behind the screen. They stare at each other in stunned surprise.

GABRIELLE and DEIANEIRA: (in unison) Amazing!

DEIANEIRA: (walking all the way around Gabrielle to prove the SFX aren't done with mirrors) You look just like me...(she eyes Gabrielle's bangs) ...on a bad hair day.

GABRIELLE: Look, I'm a warrior...well, not exactly a warrior, but close enough... anyway, I don't have time to mess with girl stuff like hairdos. (stricken look) Is it really that bad?

DEIANEIRA: (wistfully) I knew a warrior once, the mightiest of all men on earth.

GABRIELLE: Oh, you must mean Hercules. Yeah, I really liked working with--

DEIANEIRA: You know Hercules! Tell me, please, how is he doing?

GABRIELLE: Oh, he's fine.

DEIANEIRA: Fine? That's all you can say about the most wonderful man in the world?

GABRIELLE: Oh, well, yeah, he's...fine.

DEIANEIRA: I'd give anything to travel on the road with him again.

GABRIELLE: Hah! I'd give anything to stay here. (she waves at the splendor of the chamber) Feather beds and clean clothes...

DEIANEIRA: The open sky...and Hercules.

GABRIELLE: Servants to cook and clean and wait on you hand and foot.

DEIANEIRA: Fighting for truth and justice...and Hercules.

GABRIELLE: Listen, you obviously need some resolution to this thing you have for Hercules, and I need a hot meal, so I have an idea...

CUT TO LONG SHOT OF COUNTRY ROAD....IT HASN'T CHANGED

Xena comes riding up just as Deianeira steps out of the underbrush. She is dressed in Gabrielle's clothing and carrying her staff. Reluctantly, she brushes her hair down into bangs that cover her forehead.

DEIANEIRA: Xena?

XENA: (executing a spectacular somersault out of the saddle and landing on the road beside Deianeira) Yes, Gabrielle?

Deianeira pulls a note out of her purse and hands it to the warrior.

XENA: (scanning message) Queen Deianeira of Troy? (she laughs and tosses the note aside)

DEIANEIRA: You don't believe me?

XENA: Of course not. (reaching out to touch Deianeira's bare arm) You can't get out of Test Day that easily.

DEIANEIRA: (with a pointed look at Xena's lingering hand) Are you always this...affectionate?

XENA: (hurriedly stepping back) You're really not Gabrielle, are you?

DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR DEIANEIRA'S BEDCHAMBER

Gabrielle, dressed in a diaphanous white gown, is lolling on a chaise lounge, with Waylin in attendance. He peels a grape and plops it into Gabrielle's mouth. She munches it appreciatively.

GABRIELLE: This seems a rather strange duty for a minister of defense.

WAYLIN: Actually, it's a leftover from my last job as a slave. I like to keep my hand in. (he plucks another grape from a fruit basket and inspects it for flaws) High office pays well, mind you, but you can't beat slavery for job security.

GABRIELLE: I'd never really thought of it that way. (She opens her mouth for the next morsel)

DISSOLVE TO EXTERIOR CAMPSITE - NIGHT

Deianeira and Xena are sitting around the campfire. Xena has a rather bored expression on her face, which Deianeira doesn't seem to notice.

DEIANEIRA: ...and he's so strong, yet gentle. I like that in a man. (she blushes) Not that I've had all that much experience, mind you, but even I can tell that Hercules is really special.

XENA: (shrugging) He's okay.

DEIANEIRA: Okay? Okay? Well, that just shows how little you know him!

XENA: As a matter of fact...(a trifle smugly)...I do know him pretty well.

DEIANEIRA: (sharply) What do you mean by that?

XENA: Well, you know...

DEIANEIRA: You have slept with Hercules?

XENA: (bristling) Hey, what kind of crack is that?

DEIANEIRA: I didn't mean it like that...it's just...I didn't think he liked women in leather.

XENA Leather, silk, Lycra...Hercules isn't that particular.

DEIANEIRA: What! You mean he's slept with other women, too?

XENA: Let's just say the list of women he hasn't slept with is pretty short.

DEIANEIRA: (devastated) Then how come...never mind.

XENA: You mean, you and he didn't...?

DEIANEIRA: It's not like I played hard to get! I threw myself at him and nothing happened.

XENA: Really? That's odd. Why don't you tell me about it, and maybe I can figure out where you went wrong.

DEIANEIRA: We were in the war tent going over battle plans, and it was night so we had all this wonderfully romantic lantern light. And I was dressed in this form-fitting leather bodice, with my hair pulled back. (she brushes the bangs off her forehead) No lie, I was pretty stunning. So I sidled up to him... (she sidles up to Xena) ...and said "Would you ever want to kiss me?"

XENA: And what did he say to that?

DEIANEIRA: He said, "I don't think so." Well, that was pretty disappointing, but I thought maybe he was just being polite. So I moved even closer (she moves even closer to Xena), looked deep into his eyes, dropped my voice very low, and said, "How about now?"

XENA: (clearing throat) And he said?

DEIANEIRA: Again with the "I don't think so." So then I reached out and pulled his face up close to mine (she demonstrates) and whispered "Now?"

XENA: (breaking into a sweat) Don't tell me. He said "I don't think so."

DEIANEIRA: It was sooo embarrassing!

XENA: I can't explain it. (thoughtful pause) But I tell you what. Why don't we run through that scenario once again. I might have missed something the first time. Start with that line about kissing you...

IMMEDIATE CUT TO INTERIOR DEIANEIRA'S BEDCHAMBER

Gabrielle is still reclining on the lounge as she sorts through a tray of delicacies. Waylin hovers nearby with yet another tray. Nothing seems to meet her approval. She restlessly shifts her position on the couch.

GABRIELLE: (with conviction) You know, Waylin, it just doesn't get any better than this. No, sir, sitting in the lap of luxury is the life for... (brushing aside the tray) ...someone else.

WAYLIN: Excuse me?

GABRIELLE: (jumping to her feet) I'm so bored here that guarding a bush is actually starting to sound good.

WAYLIN: Forgive my impertinence, Your Highness, but you haven't been yourself lately.

GABRIELLE: No, I haven't been, but don't worry. When I get back from my next trip, I'll be just fine.

CUT TO EXTERIOR COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Cue sound of ripping fabric as Gabrielle pushes through the underbrush, still dressed in her diaphanous gown, although it's not quite white anymore. She emerges just as Xena and Deianeira stroll into view.

GABRIELLE: Xena!

XENA: Gabrielle? (looking Gabrielle up and down) Nice dress...and did you do something with your hair?

GABRIELLE: (pleased) You like it? I'm thinking of keeping-- (she is drowned out by a sudden roll of THUNDER from above)...well, maybe next season. (she hastily brushes her bangs back into place)

DEIANEIRA: (just as hastily brushing her own bangs off her forehead) Well, I'd better be going back now. Waylin worries if I'm out after dark.

[NOTE TO FILM EDITOR: We need to do a quick change of clothes between Gabrielle and Deianeira at this point. We're running out of screen time, not to mention we're bound to get some flak from a nervous suit if we have two women taking their clothes off while Xena is watching. Can you do some SFX thingie, like a screen wipe or a film flop? Let me know what will work...]

GABRIELLE: (now in her travel clothes) By the way, how did it go with Hercules?

DEIANEIRA: (now in her gown) Who? Oh, Hercules...Well, I never actually found him, but that's okay.

GABRIELLE: It is?

DEIANEIRA: He was just a stage I had to go through.

GABRIELLE: (suspiciously) To get where?

DEIANEIRA: (evasively) Oh, to where I am now. (smiling shyly at Xena) Good-bye, Xena.

XENA: (gruffly) Good-bye, Danny.

CUE SOUND of yet more tearing fabric as Deianeira tromps off into the underbrush.

GABRIELLE: Danny?

XENA: (shrugging) "Princess Deianeira" seemed so...formal.

GABRIELLE: I see...Well, you two seem to have hit it off really well.

XENA: (innocently) I suppose so. But then I'm pretty easy to get along with.

GABRIELLE: (darkly) Oh really. I hadn't noticed. Tell me, just what did--

XENA: Gabrielle, look! A falafel stand!

GABRIELLE: (whirling around) Where? (whoosh) Where?

XENA: (shaking head) That's funny, I could have sworn I saw a falafel stand. (vaulting into Argo's saddle) Oh, well, let's get going. (she clucks Argo into a canter) I'm sure we'll find one in the next town.

GABRIELLE: Hey! (breaking into a run) Hey, Xena, wait for me!

FADE TO BLACK

[Disclaimer: No sweetmeats, candies, pickled yams, scones, tortes, tarts or biscuits were harmed in the writing of this skit.]