Annotation Notes: During first season, suggestions of a romance between Xena and Gabrielle were often met with hostility, and flamewars often erupted over a subtextual analysis of an episode.

Call 1-800-FLAMEWAR

by Ella Quince

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GENERIC COUNTRY ROAD WITH BATTERED PHONE BOOTH

GABRIELLE: (inserting dinar into coin slot) This call will only take a minute.

XENA: Yeah, but it took us days to find the phone. This must be the only one in Mesopotamia.

GABRIELLE: (dialing 0) It was nice of all those people standing in line to let us go ahead of them. (glances around) That's odd...I wonder where they went.

XENA: (with a smirk) They suddenly remembered some more pressing obligations.

OPERATOR: Bell Athena, may I help you?

GABRIELLE: Yes, I'd like to report a flame war.

OPERATOR: One moment please....

DOUG: Internet Temperature Control, Doug speaking. How can I help you?

GABRIELLE: Well, there's this flame war--

DOUG: (weary sigh) So what else is new? Let me guess, somebody started talking about religion or politics.

GABRIELLE: That and homosexuality.

DOUG: Whoo boy! Yep, that'll do it! That's all extremely flammable material. What place did you say was burning?

GABRIELLE: A mailing list for XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS.

DOUG: Hey, that's the tall chick in leather right?

GABRIELLE: (glancing nervously over at Xena) Yeah, yeah, that's the one.

DOUG: By the way, is it true what they're saying about her and that other--

GABRIELLE: Excuse me, but we're in the middle of a crisis right now.

DOUG: Right, right. Well, your first line of defense is for everyone to stop talking and fall into a sullen silence.

GABRIELLE: Some people have tried that, but not enough of them.

DOUG: Well, usually there's a couple of jokers running around that get on people's nerves, but they can come in handy at a time like this. Get them to post some funny pieces to lighten the mood.

GABRIELLE: We've tried that, too. It isn't helping.

DOUG: Hmmm. Well, my temperature gauges aren't registering danger levels in your area yet, but that's still a pretty heavy discussion for a bunch of dorks watching a cheesy show about a kinky warrior prin--

GABRIELLE: Hey! Watch who you call a dork!

XENA: (coming to attention) Dork? Who's calling you a dork?

GABRIELLE: (dodging Xena's attempt to snatch the receiver from her hand) Listen, I called you for some advice, not to be insulted.

DOUG: Touchy, touchy. You know, this is just the kind of attitude that keeps those fires burning. (sound of pages turning) Anyway, sweetie, here's the next tactic. Memorize the following phrases and then post them as fast and as often as you can:

"Thank you for sharing that with me."
"Let's agree to disagree."
"Why don't we discuss this privately."
"I think we're straying from the topic."
"Go take a flying--" oops, no, not that last one. That's definitely been filed in the wrong place. (sound of page being ripped out of a book)
And then there's my favorite: "Let's all go get some ice cream!"

GABRIELLE: Okay, I'll give those a try. Thanks.

DOUG: Sure thing. Say, I get off work in an hour. How about you and me--

Gabrielle slams the receiver down.

XENA: (suspiciously) What was that all about?

GABRIELLE: (evasively) Thanks for waiting. I feel better now.

XENA: Good. Now maybe they'll stop talking about themselves and get back to talking about us.

GABRIELLE: By the way, what were they discussing before this flame war started?

XENA: Umm, let me think...oh, yeah! They were making comments about you not expressing your feelings. I'm supposed to be the stoic warrior, but in the episodes, I tend to be more open about my feelings than you. You know, I think they're onto somethi--

GABRIELLE: Look out, Xena! A gorgon!

XENA: (pulling out her sword, whirling around) Where? (whoosh) Where?

GABRIELLE: (shrugging) Isn't that strange? I could have sworn I saw a gorgon. Oh, well... Say, let's go get some ice cream!

FADE TO BLACK