Annotation Notes: This parody was posted after the end of first season, during the long dry wait for new episodes. Fortunately reruns provided ample opportunity to notice small continuity glitches (like whether or not Gabrielle was carrying a staff in the scenes that led up to a fight).
"Tyldus" was the handle used by Steve Sears (X:WP screenwriter) when he dropped into the Xenaverse.

Joxer Loses His Job

by Ella Quince

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GENERIC COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are walking along a... [aw, hell, you know the routine by now].

GABRIELLE: Just how long is this road?

XENA: (shrugging) Long enough.

GABRIELLE: (with a hint of temper) Long enough for what?

XENA: Long enough for us to keep traveling until September.

GABRIELLE: (bitterly) I hate summer reruns.

XENA: I heard rumors we get to go sailing second season, so maybe we can spend next summer on the beach.

GABRIELLE: (with a quick return to good humor) Yes!

As they approach a sharp bend in the road, Argo gives a warning nicker. [You didn't forget to include Argo in this scene, did you?] Xena draws her sword and Gabrielle brandishes her staff.

XENA: (puzzled glance at Gabrielle) I thought your staff was stowed in the saddlebag.

GABRIELLE: (innocent look) Why, no, what makes you think that?

XENA: I could have sworn you didn't have...

GABRIELLE: Look!

Cue CLANGING sounds as a lone figure trudges into view. Shoulders slumped, head down in a hang-dog pose. At the last minute he looks up, sees the duo, and freezes.

XENA: (with disgust) It's Joxer.

Gabrielle takes a quick measure of the distance between her and Xena and edges an inch away from her companion.

JOXER: (wincing) Uh, that's okay...you don't have to do that any more.

XENA: (warily) We don't?

GABRIELLE: (edging an inch closer to Xena) Why not?

JOXER: Well...(embarassed laugh)...about that policy...(audible gulp)...it was all an administrative mistake. Fancy that!

XENA: (long silence) Yeah. Fancy that.

JOXER: (to Gabrielle, who seems less threatening just now) Turns out the policy manual was intended for some show called "Starsky & Hutch," but it got lost in the mail. It must have been wandering in the postal system for years before it ended up here in New Zea--I mean Greece. Anyway, some secretarial temp who didn't know any better retyped it and...well, so it goes.

XENA: (postively glowering) So that guy in the tavern...

JOXER: It wasn't my fault! (covering his head and scrunching his eyes closed) I was only following orders!

Xena and Gabrielle exchange a meaningful look.

XENA: Just this once, please?

GABRIELLE: Under the circumstances, sure, go ahead.

XENA: (advancing on Joxer with her blade swinging in a whistling arc) Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

JOXER: (waving frantically) Wait! Wait! Let me make it up to you. I'll do anything. (Hopefully) Anything!

GABRIELLE: (crushingly) In your dreams.

XENA: (sword poised above Joxer's head) Anything, huh? (slow smile) Well, actually...

Gabrielle does a startled double-take as the warrior princess lowers her sword and flips it back into its sheath.

XENA: Gabrielle could use a horse.

GABRIELLE: No! No, look, I told you, I like walking.

XENA: Sure, you know that, and I know that. But everyone else thinks it's my idea for you to walk while I ride Argo. I've heard what people are saying: Xena's too proud, Xena's too cheap, Xena's--

GABRIELLE: Tyldus won't like it.

JOXER: (nervously) He won't?

XENA: She's just stalling. Tyldus will never notice. (quick glance upwards) Just try not to draw too much attention to yourself when you buy the horse.

JOXER: Buy? (a smile begins to grow on his face) Oh, right, of course, when I buy the horse. (He holds his palm out to Xena expectantly, then switches to Gabrielle when she pulls a coin purse out of her shoulder bag.)

GABRIELLE: (shaking out a few coins) Just make sure the horse isn't too large.

JOXER: (looking down at his palm) This couldn't buy a large dog.

XENA: Gabrielle...

GABRIELLE: Okay, okay. (pouring the rest of the coins out of the purse) You know, at this rate we'll never afford that olive farm you keep talking about. Besides, are you willing to trust Joxer with all our money? What if he doesn't bother coming back?

JOXER: (with a guilty start as he stuffs the coins into his pockets) Hey, I resent that!

XENA: I'm not worried. (grabbing Joxer by his shirt front and pulling him up to her face) Is there any part of your body you wouldn't miss?

JOXER: (turning pale) Not really.

XENA: (dropping him back to the ground) I didn't think so.

JOXER: One horse coming right up!

Joxer whirls around and starts to race down the road, only to drop to his knees as the ground begins to SHAKE.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: NOT SO FAST!

XENA and GABRIELLE: Uh, oh.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT....

XENA: (echoing the Voice under her breath)...not to mess with my story arc.

CLOUDS PART and the Hand of Tyldus reaches down from the sky to pick up the cowering Joxer. As his flailing body rises up into the air, a shower of coins falls from his pockets to the ground.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: I HAVE OTHER PLANS FOR JOXER...AND FOR GABRIELLE.

GABRIELLE: (turning a little pale herself) I hate it when he says that.

The Hand of Tyldus and Joxer disappear in a dazzling SHIMMER of LIGHTS accompanied by a brief BOOMING CHORUS of BULGARIAN VOICES.

XENA: Whew! I didn't think we had any SFX budget left over from first season.

GABRIELLE: (stooping to pick up the scattered coins) I hope you're satisfied.

XENA: Yeah, well, I'm really sorry... listen, you want to do a tavern scene next, or maybe a campfire scene. You really like those.

GABRIELLE: No, I think I've had enough excitement for today. (catching the shielded look of hurt on Xena's face) Let's just hang out together for awhile, without any plot interruptions.

XENA: (stifling a pleased smile) I like that idea. (falling into place beside Gabrielle on the roadway) By the way, where's your staff?

GABRIELLE: (innocent look) Packed in Argo's saddlebag.

XENA: But you...I could swear...(long pause)... never mind.

With Argo trailing behind them, Xena and Gabrielle meander on down the road in companionable silence.

FADE TO BLACK