Annotation Notes: This parody was posted in second season, during a collection of reruns that were broadast after SOLSTICE CAROL and before XENA SCROLLS.
"Tyldus" was the handle used by Steve Sears (X:WP screenwriter) when he dropped into the Xenaverse.

Perdicus, Perdicus... Whoforth art thou, Perdicus

by Ella Quince

EXT. GENERIC COUNTRY ROAD - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are walking along, with Argo and Tobias ambling beside them. There are dark storm clouds gathering up above.

XENA: (with regret) You can't keep him.

GABRIELLE: Yeah, I know. But we're between shows right now, so what's the harm?

XENA: (shrugging) None, as far as I can see. But those clouds...

GABRIELLE: They are kind of ominous. But surely Tyldus can't be that upset about Tobias keeping us company?

XENA: Well, if he's not upset about Tobias, then that means something else is going wrong.

GABRIELLE: (frowning) Uh, oh. I hadn't thought about that.

XENA: (scanning the road ahead) Ahh. I think I see it coming now...

GABRIELLE: What?

XENA: Trouble. (sighs heavily) Just pretend you don't know him.

GABRIELLE: (squinting at the indistinct figure approaching) Who, Joxer? But how can I pretend...(takes a closer look)...oh, shit.

XENA: Yeah.

GABRIELLE: This could be very awkward.

XENA: Well, it's hardly our fault. (sour glance upwards) After all, some things are out of our control.

GABRIELLE: (muttering to herself) Why now? Why me?

XENA: I bet it's the damn rerun schedule. I had a flashback to Troy a few days ago, and you know how those first season repeats always shake up continuity.

GABRIELLE: (lowering her head in an effort to hide behind her bangs) Maybe he won't recognize me...

A tall, gawky man with blond hair and a dazed expression on his face comes to a stop in the road. He is deathly pale, almost ghostlike. Gabrielle tries to ignore him as she and Xena walk by.

PERDICUS: By the gods! Gabrielle, is that you? Gabrielle?

GABRIELLE: Uh, yes?

PERDICUS: Gabrielle! It is you!

GABRIELLE: Have we met?

PERDICUS: Have we met? But Gabrielle, I'm Perdicus, your fiance.

GABRIELLE: (strained laugh) Oh, no, you must be mistaken. You don't look anything like Perdicus. I should know, after all, we were married for at least a day.

PERDICUS: Married? But we were never married!

GABRIELLE: See, that's just what I told you.

PERDICUS: You ran away from Poteidaia before we could get married. And I've been wandering on this misbegotten road ever since you left.

GABRIELLE: (to Xena) Now what do I do?

XENA: (to Gabrielle) He may be "dull and stupid," but he's not a complete idiot.

PERDICUS: You have to know me. We grew up together. We've known each other all our lives.

XENA: (sing-song under her breath) The boy I knew, the man I loved...

GABRIELLE: (throwing a dark look at Xena) Now that you mention it, you do look vaguely familiar. But, well, you've changed so much over the last year or two...

PERDICUS: (totally confused) What are you talking about?

GABRIELLE: It's kind of hard to explain, but the Perdicus I was engaged to got... shorter... and cuter...

XENA: And dead.

GABRIELLE: Well, that, too.

PERDICUS: (starting to tremble) So who am I? What am I supposed...

An ominous rumbling of thunder from above cuts him off. Clouds roil and a bolt of lightning zaps down and obliterates Perdicus. Nothing remains but a puff of smoke.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT.

GABRIELLE: (gulping audibly) See what?

XENA: (muttering under her breath) Dull, stupid, and dead. At least he got the last part right this time.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: WHAT WAS THAT?

XENA: Uh, nothing...just trying to remember the way to the Titan cave. We're due there soon.

The clouds part and The Hand of Tyldus points in a northerly direction.

XENA: Thanks.

VOICE FROM ABOVE: DON'T MENTION IT...OH, AND GABRIELLE...

GABRIELLE: Yeah?

VOICE FROM ABOVE: DON'T FORGET TO LET TOBIAS LOOSE BEFORE "XENA SCROLLS."

GABRIELLE: I won't.

The two women continue their walk in silence until the sky is completely clear of clouds.

GABRIELLE: (thoughtfully) Poor Perdicus... I wonder if that's what happened to Toris?

XENA: (smiling) Now that's a happy thought.

FADE OUT