Annotation Notes: This parody was posted just before the start of second season, as more and more spoilers were leaked to fans.
"Tyldus" was the handle used by Steve Sears (X:WP screenwriter) when he dropped into the Xenaverse.

Planet Greece

by Ella Quince

EXTERIOR COUNTRY....UMMM, NO ROAD ANYMORE, JUST GENERIC COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are standing in a grassy meadow, looking around with a bewildered air.

GABRIELLE: The road just...disappeared. What does that mean?

XENA: I don't know. I've never done this before. (cocks her head, listening) But I could swear second season is just over the next ridge.

GABRIELLE: (hopefully) Maybe we've already started a new episode.

XENA: I don't think so. We would have heard some background music by now.

GABRIELLE: By the way, Argo's gone, too.

XENA: (shrugging) She wanders off now and then. We lost her during the Mitoan War, remember.

GABRIELLE: Yeah, I guess. Still, I have a bad feeling about---

Gabrielle is cut off by a high-pitched whining NOISE as the air in front of them begins to SPARKLE.

XENA: (unsheathing her sword) Stay back, Gabrielle!

Two figures materialize within a glittering cloud, then take solid form...very familiar solid form.

McCOY: (looking down at his blue shirt and black trousers) Well, I'll be damned. I haven't worn this uniform in over twenty years.

SPOCK: (checking his tricorder) Twenty-nine point one years to be precise. According to my readings we have been reconfigured with the matter/energy matrix from our second network broadcast season.

McCOY: Whatever. (catching sight of Xena & Gabrielle, he bows) Good morning, ladies. Sorry to drop in unannounced.

XENA: (warily lifting one eyebrow) Which gods are you? Greek, Etruscan, Syrian?

SPOCK: (mirroring her uplifted brow with one of his own) We are not deities of any persuasion.

GABRIELLE: Yeah, right. You're just mortals who can appear out of thin air. (giving Spock the once-over) I never realized Pan was so tall...and where are your hooves?

McCOY: (wincing) Good thing we don't bother with the Prime Directive. Picard would have a fit over this.

SPOCK: (with a marked pedantic air) I repeat, we are not gods; we are mentors for your progress through the creatively constructed media environment.

XENA & GABRIELLE: (in unison) Huh?

McCOY: We're here to give you advice on becoming icons in a cult television series. We may have spent our summers walking down an empty starship corridor instead of a country road, but the principle is still the same.

GABRIELLE: Really? So how long have you been doing this?

McCOY: Well, we're celebrating our thirtieth anniver--

XENA: (with horror) Thirty years!

GABRIELLE: (with equal horror) You can't be serious!

SPOCK: I take it you do not find this prospect very agreeable.

XENA: Furkin' right I don't! (throws down her sword in disgust) Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this armor is?

SPOCK: (with a weary sigh) Try wearing pointed ears for three decades.

GABRIELLE: (glancing skyward) Okay, Tyldus, I give in! I'll ride a horse. No way am I going to walk across ancient Greece for the next thirty years.

XENA: Well, if I keep doing leg kicks and back flips for that long, you and Joxer will end up carrying me on a stretcher.

GABRIELLE: And the bangs have definitely got to go. I'll look absolutely ridiculous wearing bangs when I'm fifty-five years old...oh, god, you don't think I'll still be a vir--

XENA: Don't go there, Gabrielle.

McCOY: Hold on, ladies, it's not that bad. After all, our characters were allowed to grow and change over the years.

GABRIELLE: Whew! That's a relief. So you started out on this starship thingie, but then you moved on to different challenging experiences.

McCOY: Well, uh, for a while anyway...of course, eventually we ended up back on the starship.

GABRIELLE: Hmm...(with a quick side glance at Xena)...but you had a chance to form long-term romantic relationships, right?

McCOY: (squirming) Well, not exactly....

XENA: (with a menacing glare) What exactly did change?

SPOCK: Our starships were upgraded on a regular basis, providing us with the most modern technology and special effects available within our allotted budget.

McCOY: And new uniforms! We got new uniforms with each movie.

XENA & GABRIELLE: (in unison) Men!

SPOCK: I fail to see the significance of our--

The blaring of a trumpet echoes from over the next ridge, followed by the faint sounds of a BULGARIAN CHORUS. Then the ground begins to shake from the thundering hooves of a herd of Argos racing across the meadow.

GABRIELLE: (grabbing Xena's arm) Second season. It's about to start!

The transporter whine momentarily drowns out the swelling background music. McCoy sneezes as a stream of glitter pours over him.

SPOCK: Our time is up.

McCOY: Good luck!

And the two starship officers disappear.

GABRIELLE: (under her breath) Thirty years...

XENA: Don't think about it now, Gabrielle. (picking up her sword and cutting the air with an impressive flourish) Brace yourself, here we go...Yiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

AS WE CHARGE INTO SECOND SEASON....