This story uses copyrighted characters that belong to MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is derived from this use.
Adult Sexual Content: Certain scenes in the following story portray Xena and Gabrielle in a romantic and sexual context. If this kind of scenario distresses you, is illegal where you live, or if you are underage, please do not read any further.
Annotation Notes: This parody was posted after the end of first season, during the long dry wait for new episodes.
"Tyldus" was the handle used by Steve Sears (X:WP screenwriter) when he dropped into the Xenaverse.
Relatively Speaking
ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GENERIC COUNTRY ROAD -- DAY
[PRODUCTION NOTE: Our budget for these parodies is just about gone, so use existing footage of Xena and Gabrielle walking side by side. Any previous parody will suffice. Dub new dialogue.]
GABRIELLE: So, who else?
XENA: Huh?
GABRIELLE: I'm tired of learning about your family in bits and pieces. A mother here, a missing father there, two brothers--
XENA: At least two brothers.
GABRIELLE: Huh?
XENA: I said "at least" two brothers.
GABRIELLE: There's more?
XENA: Last year I told Iolaus that I had four brothers.
GABRIELLE: You have four brothers?
XENA: Well, I may have four brothers, but then again I could have been lying. I lied a lot back then.
GABRIELLE: What about sisters?
XENA: (shrugging) It could go either way. I haven't said I don't have any sisters.
GABRIELLE: For that matter, you haven't said you don't have nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles...
XENA: (under her breath) And then there's my (indistinct mumble).
GABRIELLE: ...second-cousins once-removed--what did you just say?
XENA: Oh, nothing.
GABRIELLE: No, no, you said something.
XENA: (grimly) You'll find out soon enough at the start of next season.
GABRIELLE: I have a bad feeling about this, so I'd rather you tell me now. (quick glance at her surroundings) And don't try that "Look, there's a falafel stand" diversion again.
XENA: Well...it's complicated. (she leans over and whispers in Gabrielle's ear)
GABRIELLE: (stunned) WHAT! You have a so--
XENA: Ssshhhh, not so loud! I don't think you're supposed to know yet. So remember to act surprised in that episode.
GABRIELLE: Not a problem. (looking a bit pale) I can't believe you never told me!
XENA: It's kind of personal.
GABRIELLE: Excuse me? And just what am I, moldy hummus? I'm supposed to be your "best friend." And even without the quote marks, I should know the basic facts about your life.
XENA: I try not to dwell on the past.
GABRIELLE: (darkly) Two can play at that game.
XENA: What do you mean by that?
GABRIELLE: Just don't assume you know everything about my past.
XENA: (grinning) Come on, Gabrielle. It's not like you have any dark secrets.
GABRIELLE: If you knew about them, they wouldn't be secrets, would they?
XENA: You're bluffing.
GABRIELLE: That remains to be seen. Besides, second season is still under development. A word or two in the right ear and I might develop secrets that would make your hair stand on end.
XENA: That's not funny.
GABRIELLE: Now that I think about it, Lila and I don't look anything alike. In fact, I don't look or act like anyone in my family. I could be a foundling that was raised by kindly farmers, when all along I'm really the princess of some lost kingdom.
XENA: Oh, please...
[PRODUCTION NOTE: Okay, that's about all the old footage we can milk without being too obvious. Let's bring this scene to an end as quickly as possible.]
GABRIELLE: Or maybe I'm really a daughter of Zeus, which would make me a half-sister of Hercules!
XENA: (glowering) Don't go there!
GABRIELLE: (under her breath) It could happen.
As the warrior and the bard lapse into a sullen silence, we...
FADE VERY QUICKLY TO BLACK